Protect Your Toilet Paper Rolls

By Ima Kute Copp, local action news

A trashy story appears in the local action section of the fantasyland Washington Post-Democrat newspaper. We are not making this up. The hyperventilated headline is: "An Environmentalist's Moment of Glory: Arlington Lawmaker Praised for Greenhouse Gas Initiative."

The story behind the story (accompanied by two large color photographs) can no better be expressed than in the words of the newspaper's manifestly-stupid staff writer Annie Gowen:

"Over the years, residents of the Fairlington neighborhood in Arlington County have grown accustomed to the site (sic) of a tall, lanky figure going through the trash bins outside their homes.

"No matter---it's just their county board president, Paul Ferguson, making sure they've recycled their cardboard toilet paper rolls properly."

The lanky Ferguson with his strange proclivities for diving for toilet paper rolls is, the idiotic reporter gushes, 41 years old and a longtime environmentalist and a vegetarian. As the headline notes, he also makes laws.

He has launched a $6 million Inconvenience Initiative (inspired in part by Al Gore's silly and duplicitous movie) to lower Arlington County's greenhouse gas emissions. The taxpayers will be asked to cough up the $6 million despite the fact that the county has a budget shortfall for the coming year of an estimated $20 million. Ferguson says that he is nevertheless comfortable with the price tag. Clearly fit for Congress.

Our advice to anyone who finds this lanky weirdo diving for toilet paper rolls in their trash bins is to call the police, who have been trying to nab him. Better yet, set the dogs on him. In no case vote for him.